Bring Back those Butterflies

By Joanne Baskin

Date night is now synonymous with the catch phrase “yes we can”, as U.S. President Barack Obama has made this previously coined term one of excitement and hope! He has reminded us that married couples can and indeed must make time for each other.

This was recently highlighted when President Obama took Michelle out on the town in New York for an evening of dining and a Broadway show, without any apologies.

There is more than enough evidence to suggest that couple time is an element of many healthy, successful marriages. In fact, it comes down to the altering of brain chemistry. Research conducted by social psychologist, Dr. Arthur Aron, a professor of social psychology at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, has looked at brain science to measure the effects of novelty, or simply put, time spent together, on marital satisfaction. What is occurring in the courtship phase is a release of dopamine and other feel-good chemicals in the brain often described as “butterflies”. Date night for married couples can trigger this same chemical release.

If brain science is not enough to make a case for date night, perhaps attacking parental guilt would be more promising. When couples are in their full immersion of parenting, a type of martyrdom seems to take hold. While it’s true that the topic of the children may come up, the experience together of re-counting stories or events, separate and far from the rhythm of the day, can be pleasurable and even necessary. New perspectives can be explored while the days’ events are re-lived. Pride and fascination around the observation of children from a distance can create bonds and affection in that space as well. As for the guilt, it is known that children model parents’ behaviour. What greater gift can be given to children who see their parents connected, in love and restfully ready to return to tending to their children?

Creating a practice of date night will require planning. We plan for work, school events, sports schedules, family functions and vacations. Good planning and organization results in less stress or last minute mishaps for these experiences. There is also a sense of accomplishment for following through with our plans.

To keep it simple, here is an easy acronym to remember in guiding you to successful date night planning:

Deserving

Remind yourselves as to why you both deserve the time together away from the routine of your life. You began your life together as partners; all partnerships require a re-evaluation or checking-in of sorts. Tuning into each others’ needs and desires will connect you to the reasons you fell in love. Your children also deserve parents who are easy-going and operating on full tanks.

Affordable

An afternoon or evening out does not necessitate elaborate costs: Take a romantic walk at a local regional park, even bundled up in the winter months. Have a picnic. Go window-shopping. Sip coffee at a café. Tour a local museum. There are many inexpensive ways to enjoy each others’ company. Child care savings solutions could include date night babysitting swaps with another couple or suggest an evening or afternoon of babysitting in lieu of gifts given by close family or friends.

Together

Plan your date night together. This is the perfect opportunity for both parties to participate in the process. It also reinforces the commitment to spending special time together.

Escape

Taking moments, hours or even days away from the usual rhythms work and family life does not undermine the commitment couples have to those responsibilities. Escaping merely suggests a motivation to disconnect from the strain those responsibilities cause at times. It is the brief flight into a world of timeless energy without clocks, schedules and to-do lists. For some, escaping to a novel location or revisiting a reminiscent one will renew delight and passion for each other.

The butterflies fluttering in the courtship phase of relationships need not fly away; one merely has to say “yes we can” to new experiences together to keep the courtship in flight.

Joanne Baskin is a Professional Social Worker and Certified Personal Development Coach having helped individuals and families for over twenty years. She can be reached at 514-808-7386 or by visiting her website: www.ignitus.ca