How to Foster a Positive Sibling Relationship And help your children to become forever friends
- By Caroline Zanni, PhD Psychologist
Sibling relationships can vary from a close caring relationship to outright war within minutes. Each child within a family has their own distinct personality and conflict can easily occur. However, conflict is only one part of the relationship. According to Judy Dun (2007) a leading expert on sibling relationships.
There are three important characteristics of sibling relationships:
- Emotional quality of the relationship: Both positive and negative emotions are expressed towards each other.
- Familiarity and intimacy of the relationship: Siblings know each other better than anyone else, this intimacy can lead to either providing support or teasing each other depending on the situation.
- Variations in sibling relationship: Some siblings will describe their relationships more positively than others.
Our job as parents is to try to provide an atmosphere which will enhance the positive interactions and try as much as possible to decrease the negative. This can become challenging depending on the ages of the siblings, the gender, and temperament. There are so many variables; the attention given to one child over another, comparison of children, or parents’ preferences of one sibling over another (to mention only a few). These can cause resentment and increase the likelihood of sibling rivalry.
Birth order:
Birth order can affect the relationships between siblings. The first born is usually seen as the leader by their parents and the child may become jealous of the attention which they have lost to the younger sibling(s) or resentful of the demands placed on them by their parents. At the same time, the younger sibling may be viewed by the parents as the baby of the family and in turn may resent the liberties and privileges given to the older sibling. Developing a sense of fairness and of mutual respect is the challenge that every parent will face.
Comparison:
Comparison of siblings is one of the most detrimental factors in sibling relationship. Parents in time of anger or frustration can easily compare two siblings (e.g. why can’t you be as studious as your sister”). This fosters resentment as well as the feeling that one sibling is valued more than the other. Also, paying more attention to one sibling due to difficulties or handicaps can cause resentment from the other children in the family. Here are some basic parenting tips that can be followed to reduce resentment and foster a more positive relationship amongst siblings: Provide equal love for each child while remembering that equal love does not mean identical treatment. Praise each child’s unique contributions to the family and their individual challenges.
Provide each child what they require based on age as well as areas of difficulty. The older child can go to bed later than the younger one as long as it is explained.
Intervene in arguments. Many parents allow their children to try to settle their own arguments without intervening, unfortunately there are times when the older one can take advantage of a younger sibling and this will only increase negative feelings. When a parent intervenes they must act as a mediator, trying to model appropriate conflict resolution strategies without taking sides.
Increase positive interdependence by having them learn to compromise and giving them the opportunity to do things together to accomplish a goal, for example, setting the table together. Teach them appropriate social skills. Parents and caregivers can structure activities to focus on particular social skills such as taking turns, active listening, and encouraging others.
Help children understand what those skills look and sound like by modeling them first and praising them when they occur. One particularly important social skill that may need practice is agreeing to disagree, meaning that children can express and retain their own opinions without arguing, fighting, or otherwise becoming disagreeable.
Reflection:
Helping children to become more aware of the ways they’ve learned to cooperate, and which strategies work best for them. Sibling relationships give rise to some of life's greatest joys and some of its angriest fights, but no matter how much time passes or how far they travel, brothers and sisters can be forever friends!
