How Parenting Respectfully Breeds Respect
- By Lesley-Anne Siegel
“DON’T YOU SEE I’M ON THE PHONE??!!!”, “HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I ASKED YOU TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM?”, “IF YOU DON’T START YOUR HOMEWORK I’M THROWING OUT THAT COMPUTER!”
Does this sound familiar? It just might if you’re the parent of a child over the age of… well… let’s face it, there are probably no age limits when it comes to our kids finding ways to drive us parents crazy. As a child behaviour consultant, I often hear parents asking questions like “Why doesn’t my son respect me?” or “How do I get my child to respect authority and listen when I tell him to do something?”
Now the answer is by no means a simple one, but I always start by encouraging parents to think about what it really means to them to have their child’s respect, and the answer is almost always that it means their children will listen to them and do as they say (without any “lip”). This leads me to then ask the parents to put themselves in their child’s shoes and picture (or remember) what it must be like to always be on the receiving end of orders, commands, and threats. Would it increase the amount of respect you had for your spouse if that spouse was telling you what to do all day long, along with a few threats thrown in for good measure? Nobody likes to be told what to do, adults and children alike. When we put ourselves in our kids’ shoes, it’s easier to see how perhaps our ways of trying to “discipline” them are actually making it very difficult for them to truly respect us, as they are feeling disrespected themselves. Think about how difficult it might be for children to understand the real meaning of “respect” when they are not experiencing true respect by the people loving and caring for them. Kids learn so much more through watching our actions than through hearing us talk. This brings to mind that famous old saying “Do as I say, not as I do”, which probably came about because someone realized kids were “doing as they saw” so to speak.
TIPS:
- It is respectful to let your kids know in advance what you expect of them, this way when you follow through they are not surprised (i.e., let them know that from now on if they interrupt when you are on the phone you will simply go into your room/the bathroom until you are done).
- Ask your kids how you can make it easier for them to get something done, for example: “I see you have a lot of homework and you wish you could stay on the computer, would it help if I sat with you to figure out a schedule that works for everyone?” This approach is more likely to gain your child’s cooperation (and respect) than shouting “GET OFF THAT COMPUTER AND DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!!”
- When a problem is recurring, engage your kids in a problem-solving session.When they’re part of the solution they’re more likely to want to implement what you come up with.
Lesley-Anne Siegel, child behaviour consultant, Childhood Matters 514-232-7773, www.childhood-matters.com
